I can’t wait to turn 40. Said no one ever.

Looking forward to the carefree binge-drinking days of 21? Always. The confidence and maturity reached in our 30s? Yes. The peri-menopausal period that begins around 40? Um, not so much. But, my spiritual advisor guaranteed 40 would be a whole new world for me. So, I’m counting down and looking forward…40, bring it!

I turn 38 today. Happy birthday to me. My gift to myself is a stock-pile of positive vibes and a recommitment to create the best version of me. It’s about time I made some huge changes because quite frankly, it’s taken me years—37 to be exact—to realize I’ve been making the same mistakes oooover and oooover and oooover again. The Universe has been slapping me in the face with lessons to be learned, but since I’ve failed miserably at learning them sooner, the Universe has stopped gently nudging me and decided to go extreme by socking me in the face, punching me in the gut, and kicking me with a steel-toe boot. Oh, and running me over with a semi.

And just like that, lessons learned. Clarity achieved. Annnnd thank you, Universe.

So what if it took three address changes and two new jobs in the last year, a series of casual and unfulfilling encounters, failed relationship after failed relationship (including, most recently, being totally delusional in love with my last boyfriend despite a million and one signs he just wasn’t that into me), and a now 8-year-old daughter, despite being beautiful and loving, comes with a ‘tude and a mouth my mom would’ve washed out with soap. All this led up to my ‘Aha!’ moment when I asked myself ‘This is my life?’ The moment when I knew in my core that enough is enough, this is NOT the life I want, and this is NOT where I want to be.

I am fucking amazing, and I deserve love and happiness. I’m a good person, and I play nicely with others. But, I also know that it is my responsibility to create love and happiness in my life. I’m not going to lie though. $200 hypnotherapy sessions, a bottle of anti-anxiety medication, spiritual advisor, life coach, drawer full of healing crystals, Reiki master, and an army of amazingly patient (like midnight-calls-crying-for-hours-patient) family and friends are in my arsenal of survival tools.

Yet, as I’m filled to the brim with this newfound determination to create a positive life, I am inspired to write….and learn and share. And to allow my random thoughts, revelations, and experiences from now until I hit the big 4-0, unfold before my eyes and yours. It’s one of my lessons in action, too—releasing creative, positive energy so that more of the same energy is given back to the Universe for others.

So, here we go! You’ve read this far, so I hope you’ll stick around to laugh and cry with me or just wonder ‘WTF?’ for a few more posts. Maybe you’ll roll your eyes because at almost 40, I’m still trying to figure out my life, or maybe you’ll laugh along with me in a few shared lessons and realizations. Either way, it’s a countdown to figuring out whether I’ve got it all right—that’s why I’m here, and I hope you’ll join me on the journey…

Donna Estudillo

Donna Estudillo

RN and associate program director for a non-profit charity, plus mom who's working on being the hardest spiritual gangsta around, living the YOLO life and enjoying mishaps along the way. Current vibes: only positive ones -- which have led to her blog (www.AmI40yet.com). "Am I 40 Yet?" is an idea conceived after turmoil, inspired by a determination to get her sh*t together, and launched at the start of her 38th year. She writes, she learns, she shares…and hopefully, she entertains and inspires.
Donna Estudillo

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